Chasing Unicorns Both On and Off the Roads

I’ve gone back and forth on whether I’d share this with my audience or if I did, when the appropriate time to hit publish would be, as I sit here writing a draft on July 31, 2023. I’ve always wanted to be transparent with those who are following along in my journey not only because it helps me show up as my authentic self but I know that I appreciate when others are willing to be vulnerable and share their stories since many times it has helped me in my own life journey. But this just felt different. Too personal, almost, because I am in the middle of it and haven’t gotten to the other side yet. I’m not looking for sympathy in sharing or a whole lot of advice, I am mainly sharing to break down walls surrounding this topic and be part of a solution by hopefully opening up conversation. If you’re reading this, I suppose I decided to press publish, so here goes nothing…

Training for the NYC Marathon in 2021, I had big goals to go after a sub-3 hour marathon in my mind thinking it would be my last marathon for the next couple of years. I wanted to go out with a bang and do something really cool before settling on my next goal, growing a family. At that point my husband and I had been married for 5 years, and together for 10, and while we were nervous about making such a huge life change, we had both agreed that after NYC we would start trying to start our family. The NYC Marathon was also going to be my opportunity to run a Boston qualifying time for 2023 so that I could run the race on my 30th birthday since it fell on that date exactly, a longtime goal of mine. Unfortunately I ended up with the beginning stages of hypothermia on race day, ending up in the med tent after the race and not only had I completely bonked on my sub-3 attempt, I didn’t even run a BQ time with how awful I felt. A few weeks after NYC we had our 5-year anniversary trip planned in Antigua so I knew there would be no other opportunity to run a marathon that year since I didn’t want to train for a race during our trip. My thought was that even if I was a few months pregnant I’d be able to take it easy and run a BQ time and bank it for 2023; looking back now I laugh at how naïve I was thinking that getting pregnant would happen right away and also with that timeline that I’d be able to give birth and train for a marathon all within 15-16 months.

After a couple months of trying to conceive (TTC) and nothing really happening, I decided to turn my focus to a spring marathon, wanting to have something to look forward to but being ok with having to alter my plans if I was pregnant. After a very unexpected and devastating family loss early in the year, I felt a new pressure to try to bring some joy and good news to my family that was grieving, thinking that the news of the first grandchild being added to the family would provide some joy in an otherwise dark time. It was a pressure that no one besides myself put on me, and at that time they didn’t even know we were trying. Months went by and with no news, I continued training for the marathon, but training was not going very well. I didn’t feel like myself running workouts but continued to press on hoping that things would turn around the more I kept at it. When it came to race day and I completely bonked after mile 10 (at the time not knowing that I had covid), I was frustrated more than anything as I had accomplished neither my goal of running a PR in the marathon nor starting a family and rather just seemed to be stagnant in all areas of my life. What I didn’t realize at the time was just how much emotional stress can take a toll on your physical state, and that has been something I only recently came to realize in spring of 2023.

I took time off of structured training after the spring 2022 marathon, thinking that if I ran shorter distances and strength work that it would not only be better for potentially getting pregnant if I reduced my overall training load but also that if it did happen, I wouldn’t be as disappointed if I had to alter my training plans for the rest of the year. With a regular menstrual cycle (it always comes within a day or two of when it’s predicted to), I assumed that it would happen within the year, knowing that most healthy couples take about a year at our age to conceive. The summer and fall came and went and while running ended up turning around by October, we weren’t any closer to our goal of starting a family. This Christmas was probably one of the saddest holiday seasons I’ve had. Between spending our first holidays without my uncle and seeing pregnancy announcements left and right on social media (people tend to post a lot of news around the holidays), I was in a dark place feeling so confused about why my body which I had taken such good care of was not able to do the one task that naturally it was made to do. I felt like I was failing, even though I now know that things can be very much outside of your control when it comes to fertility.

Starting my next training block for Boston, I took a lot of the pressure off by not training with a time goal in mind; I wanted to run a strong race I could be proud of but at this point had recognized that my body just wasn’t the same as it was when I ran my PRs back in 2019. I was, however, still unable to recognize that it was likely because my mind wasn’t in a good place and therefore was very unable to push to tough places. I was hopeful that maybe I’d be carrying along a plus one in Boston – how cool would it be to make that announcement that I had a future unicorn on board with me for the race! Needless to say, it didn’t happen, and I actually felt awful the day of the marathon, being only a couple days away from getting my period. I felt so bloated and nauseous that I actually wondered if I was pregnant while running the race, but a pregnancy test after the race in the hotel bathroom would show otherwise. I had heard from other runners that they found they got pregnant shortly after running a marathon and was hopeful maybe this would be my experience.

The week after Boston, I was at my OBGYN’s office for an appointment to talk about next steps since it had been about 18 months of TTC with no success. I took part in a diagnostic cycle, which included a transvaginal ultrasound, lots of bloodwork, and an HSG to check to make sure internally things were acting as they should, and Ross also had to do his own testing. While it all went towards my insurance deductible, that also meant I was on the hook for all of the testing until my deductible was met, so a few thousand dollars later and we’d find out that there wasn’t anything really conclusive coming back and so the next step would be to meet with a fertility specialist to do further testing and discuss our options. During this time I was also dealing with high iron which I talked about on Instagram, and if I had to guess it was likely caused by the iron in my prenatal vitamins I was taking; since switching to non-iron prenatal things have felt so much better. I met with the fertility doctor in early July, had additional testing done including more bloodwork and an SHG, and everything came back…normal. On one hand, it’s a blessing that everything so far appears “normal”, but on the other hand after nearly 2 years of trying it’s pretty confusing when nothing is happening. We spend so much time in our younger years trying to avoid being pregnant by being on something that controls our hormones like the pill just to find out that maybe our bodies never could on their own anyway? It’s a tough pill to swallow (no pun intended).

I think one of the hardest things about this journey has been the waiting. You feel like you’re living in 2-week increments at a time waiting either for ovulation to happen or after that to see if “it worked”. With doctor’s visits, because so many women are also going through the same thing, you’re waiting a month in between appointments just to get in to talk to someone and feel like you’re wasting more time. When you do share it with those around you, you’re met with mixed responses. I know in my heart that everyone means well but the most frustrating thing you can say to a woman going through infertility is to “stress less and it’ll happen when you least expect it”; doctors will tell you it doesn’t work that way and on a podcast I recently listened to, a fertility doctor actually said, “if it worked that way, I would be out of a job” and it was incredibly validating. What has changed for me in the last couple of months since doing the diagnostic cycle is knowing that it’s not anything we’re doing or not doing now; unexplained infertility is incredibly common and just isn’t talked about very often in general, let alone in sports. It’s why if you’re reading this, I decided to click post, because I want to share a side that isn’t talked about as often because it’s raw when you’re going through it, uncomfortable, and just downright depressing. But if there’s anything I’ve learned over these last 22 months now it’s that this is a very common thing for women to go through and I want to be a part of the group that talks about it and makes it more normal to have these conversations and not be so taboo.

I alluded to my running starting to come around in July in my Instagram posts because of getting my iron levels back to normal, and while that is certainly true, I think a big piece of it has to do with mentally being in a much better place right now about all of this. I felt responsible for a long time for my body not doing what it was “supposed” to do, but between having a wonderful partner who has been so supportive through all of this reassuring me that it’s not anything I can control as well as now medical science backing that up on top of supporting that it’s not my training causing it either, I feel like a weight has been lifted. I ended up joining a local running and racing team to try to mix up my training and do something for myself and am really excited about having training partners to push me outside of my comfort zone and to be doing something new with a local community. I am excited for the races on my calendar this year and eager to keep chipping away at my fitness. I feel like I’ve taken back some of the control by getting answers, and making decisions that are for me and not just planning about what some version of the future could look like; I’ve learned that plans are adjustable but I’m done waiting around for something to happen. For now, we have our next steps but I’m enjoying a little respite from being poked and prodded with needles and other metal instruments for a little while.

Infertility is hard, and I wouldn’t wish this experience on anyone. It can become so clinical, and can take a lot of the romance out of a partnership, but I’m very grateful for having a partner who is truly a partner in all of this and has continued to remind me that my worth doesn’t lie in my ability to have babies. We love our life together, it’s a really great life and we are incredibly blessed! I do wish more than anything we’ll have some little humans to share it with some day, but our little family is enough, and I am enough, too.