It’s been a minute since I’ve written a blog post because to be honest, I was hoping the next time I posted it would be the happy, “we’re having a baby and that’s why I haven’t been able to commit to races” post, but life doesn’t seem to work on our timelines. I shared back in July 2023 that we had been dealing with unexplained infertility after undergoing lots of tests. The doctor had recommend at the time moving onto IUI and because I was in the middle of training for the NYC Marathon, I decided to wait on it till November after the marathon was over since our insurance unfortunately does not have any fertility benefits so everything we do for this is out of pocket; I wanted to make sure I was giving IUI the best possible chance of working and knew that being in a marathon training cycle while possible for some people to get pregnant in might not be the best for someone who was already struggling to conceive. So I didn’t sign up for any races, and I committed to just taking things a week at a time, still allowed to work out but not doing as much as I had been doing. By the fourth IUI after all 3 cycles prior had failed, I decided to completely cut back on workouts and see if that made a difference at all (for those into the details, I was responding well to the Letrozole I was on so there wasn’t necessarily a concern here, it was more for my own mind to be reassured that it wasn’t the running). Four cycles later, we’ve learned nothing new other than experiencing some of the deepest heartbreak we’ve ever had, being out almost $10,000 for what feels like nothing, among feeling angry and confused. I’m frustrated with my body – the body that I’ve always taken care of getting a regular period every single month because I am so intentional about fueling it and have always been at a healthy weight that is failing to work in the way I want it to at a “young” enough age (what is that TikTok sound that is going around now, “all that work and what did it get me?” That’s exactly how I’m feeling). I’m confused why this is happening to us – a healthy, happily married couple of over 7 years who have a stable income and warm, safe environment to bring a child into. I’m angry at the insurance industry in our country and how in a state that has laws in place to protect fertility benefits, that there are loopholes allowed for companies to get out of having to pay for them. I’m feeling a lot of feelings, and like the power once again has been taken away. We are not owed anything and we are not in control, but that doesn’t mean it hurts any less when you want something so badly and feel like you’ve been so patient for so long.
So we’ve decided to take back the power again after too many tears and too many dollars spent for what feels like nothing and take a little break from this journey for a little bit. It’s been 28 months of hope, then disappointment and it’s time to get off the roller coaster for a little bit. IVF is the logical next step, but what people don’t often understand when talking about infertility is that it’s not just the emotional toll that people are going through – it’s the physical and financial toll that it’s taking. Physically for a woman it means taking hormones, injections, making changes to your daily routine, etc., all of which make you feel uncomfortable and at times like a foreigner in your own body. For a male partner, I can imagine it feels like a loss of control having to produce a sample and hand it over to the lab and also removes any feeling of romance in the process. Financially, in this country, IVF can cost about $30,000 for a cycle, and if your insurance doesn’t cover it, it’s on you to find a way to pay it up front in a single lump sum. It can make you sick to your stomach to think about. Through it all, I have had the best partner by my side, and while I am embarrassed by how many tears I’ve shed and the shell of a person I become after each failed cycle, I feel so unbelievably loved and supported and know without a doubt in my mind that I am with my soulmate. I do think this process is more physically intensive on the woman, but emotionally, I think both partners feel the weight of things.
With running, I am used to being patient with the process while seeing tangible little milestones along the way to a bigger goal. With unexplained infertility, it feels like there are no milestones to look forward to and it can feel like you aren’t making any progress at all and that has been very hard to grapple with. It’s hard to know when the right time to take a break from all of this is but I feel lucky that age is on our side where we do have the time to take some time off before going into a more intensive cycle like IVF; it’s a small win, I suppose. I’m approaching a month without having a weekly doctors’ appointment – whether it be for an ultrasound or blood draw – and I feel like my body is finally getting back to feeling like it did before starting 4 months of these cycles. Because of all of the extra hormones I was taking, I ended up putting on some extra weight which felt pretty awful to run with since I was already at a healthy weight to begin with before going into these treatments; fortunately most of that has come off in just the month being off of them since it was likely a lot of extra fluid retention, but I still have days where clothes don’t quite fit right and that can be frustrating since I was more than willing to let my body change if it meant having a baby but instead I’m left with no baby and just some extra pounds to show for it.
I’m trying to focus more on the fact that I feel strong again, though. I ran a 5K a couple weeks ago in 19:56 which was the fastest 5K I’ve run since October 2022 and the fastest I’ve ever opened a season with which was pretty exciting especially coming off of some lower mileage weeks with no speedwork while we waited on the fourth IUI results. I did sign up for a bunch of races to have a spring training cycle and am trying to stay present and appreciate what I do have. I’ve been hitting some great workouts and enjoying seeing that tangible progress week after week again! As of right now I plan to race the Shamrock Shuffle, Lakefront 10-Miler, and the Indy Mini Half Marathon this spring. I spent a few weeks off of social media because I was feeling extremely triggered by all the pregnancy announcements I was seeing; I’m in that age range in my 30s where it’s going to happen a lot so I’ve been liberal with the mute button for people who I sincerely love but whose posts have been too much for me right now or with the unfollow button for people who I don’t know; it’s not that these people have done or are doing anything wrong, but you have to take care of yourself first and it’s not healthy to be triggered by someone else’s happy news on social media. I’m back online now as it’s unrealistic not to be being a small business owner, but I’m being more intentional with how I use apps and how long I use them, too. Beyond being triggered I had gotten addicted to scrolling on my phone and the break forced me to break that bad habit so again, some small wins to come out of a crummy situation!
Healing isn’t linear; I still have days where I can really find myself down in the dumps, but the good days are beginning to outweigh the tough ones and that’s showing in my running. I’ve said it before but life stress can really bleed into your physical performance because our bodies don’t know how to distinguish between different kinds of stress and can only take on so much. I’ve been really kind to myself during this time and while I’d never want to go through this experience if I didn’t have to, I think it’s made me even more empathetic in my coaching career because I have seen firsthand what months and months of stress can do to someone’s body. There is a time to push through things, but there are equally as many times that we should be holding back and honoring how we’re feeling. It might mean that timelines changes, but it doesn’t have to mean that the goal itself has to. And yes, we’re talking about more than running here 🙂
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