The Fear of Failure

I have been struggling to find the words to describe how I’ve been feeling about racing this coming weekend and so I decided to just put pen to paper and let the words and thoughts flow. Writing is how I best process my thoughts; whether it be through free-writing or making lists, it makes me feel more in control.

I signed up for the Cary March Madness race back in December; the race sells out in 30 minutes and is limited to the first 1000 runners who sign up. It is known in the area as the most challenging half marathon, with many runners using it as a tune-up and check-in for the Boston Marathon. In just 13.1 miles, runners will gain about 700 feet of elevation. The hills are so intense that they even have names (one is referred to as “lung buster hill”; see photo below for the hills). This race scared me from the moment I signed up to run it, but knowing that Boston was a hilly course, I wanted to sign up and see how I could do. I knew with signing up that it likely meant I would not see a half marathon PR in the spring. At the time, that was ok with me, but I think I’ve gotten caught up in the comparison trap a little seeing some fast half marathon PRs coming from other athletes who have raced on good courses. “How embarrassing would it be if I’ve been posting good workout times and then have a slower pace at Cary?” This is probably the number 1 thought that has been going through my head lately.

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March Madness Half Marathon Elevation + Hills

Pride. I am afraid that this race will be a ding on my racing “resume” and not be indicative of the kind of fitness I’m in by time alone. I think what scares me the most is what it’ll do to my mind going into Boston. I know this course is humbling; I’ve done 3 training runs on it so far (12, 18, and 20 miles) and while each time I’ve gotten stronger, I’ve battled windy conditions and massive hills that have pushed my brain and body to its limits. Back in August 6 weeks before the Berlin Marathon, I ran a half marathon PR in super muggy and hot conditions and it gave me loads of confidence going into my marathon. Because Illinois is cold and icy during the winter months, there haven’t been any races for me to test my fitness at; I’ve been running really hard workouts and hitting paces but there’s something about the racing environment that can’t be duplicated in a workout.

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PR at Minnesota Half Marathon in August 2018 prior to the Berlin Marathon.

When I started experiencing pain in my hip area (diagnosed as a tight hip flexor and TFL muscle), I panicked that all the hills were starting to erode my body. I was and am worried that racing on Sunday will aggravate the tender areas even more. But I have a feeling it’s more than just being worried about physical pain. I think I’m afraid more-so of the mental pain that can come with running a challenging course.

After a successful workout Tuesday, it hit me. I am afraid of failure. Or at least what I perceive to be failure. I know that not every race will result in a PR, but I feel like I’m in shape to run a fast half. I need to use things like yesterday’s 10-mile workout to reassure me that the fitness is there and I just need to keep trusting the process and not let my ego get in the way. The race on Sunday is intended to be effort-based. I should be doing this for me, not to post on my blog or Instagram that I ran a new PR. It’s supposed to be making me stronger for Boston. Boston is the goal; it always has been and every decision we’ve made this training cycle was to prepare me for it. I can’t lose sight of that and I’ll get my chance to leave it all on the line there when it matters most.

Heading into this weekend, I am checking my ego at the door. Everyone running this race is dealing with the same conditions, the same course, and the same challenges. I am going to run hard and push myself to my limits. That’s all I can ask. I’m going to use the fact that I’m in really great shape to help propel me over those hills. It’s going to hurt, it’s probably going to get ugly at times, and my time may reflect that, but I think what this race will be able to teach me more than anything is mental resilience, and that is invaluable.

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Remembering my why and my goal race for the Spring season.

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